I'm making music again.
I've been on a strange journey – one of grief, lack of self-confidence, internal turmoil, and doubts.
One of the painful losses was my love for singing praise music. I use that term loosely – praise music can be a lot of things for me, from Bob Marley to Bon Iver to actual “christian worship music”.
I just didn't feel the passion to pick up my guitar and try to make something beautiful.
For me, that's unusual. Music has always been a entrance into faith for me. Music is an opening to something larger and spacious, a way to communicate emotions and experiences that defy logic and reason and rest in beauty. I love music of all kinds and learned to be unashamed of that passion. Using my guitar and singing has been a big part of my ministry for many years.
If it wasn't for music, I wouldn't be a pastor.
So for at least two to three years, I let it go. Some of it was stress and just needing to focus on other things in my ministry, but I think too it was a reconfiguration of my life of faith. I needed to confront things, change things, and reassess where I wanted to be.
I just needed to be okay with where I was.
After a long time, I picked up my guitar again.
After a long season, I am leading worship again.
It's fun. I'm easing back into it.
Last Sunday, I led a song in front of a small crowd of returning church members and friends, and... yeah, it was good. It felt beautiful. I could hear their voices encouraging my own. It was okay to be not okay, and it was okay to sing anyway.
So, yeah, I feel like making music again.